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August 8, 2017 #personal

I’m siting here at 1215 after another long day, and I’ve been thinking to myself, what am I doing? I don’t need to spend the money, I don’t need to drink wine, I don’t need any of this. On the other hand, the wine tastes amazing, the music in my headphones and the music played by the two jazz dudes in the corner are both bangin, I’m written some really good facebook posts today. I don’t regret my decisions.

I had dinner with dad, and he whipped out some classic Jon Bogart-isms. Stuff like, if I actually wanted to do certain things I’d just change the rest of my life to make them happen (wrt travel vs eating out all the time). What’s great is, I can let that shit fall away from me easily nowadays. I hear it, I recognize the kind of effect it’s had on me at various points in my life, and I let it fall to the wayside. Jonny Dee is a smart man, he’s encountered a lot over his life, and I value his wit and wisdom, but like so many pseudo-negative aspects of my life, I have to be willing to say, ``No, I don’t need to accept this as my current truth'' the way I did in high school or college or after college.

I’ve been feeling really good recently about my place in the world, my goals and my efforts, and the work I’ve put into my various relationships. I don’t know exactly where I’m headed, but like I said a couple posts ago, I’m at a crossroads and I’m trying so hard to navigate this one correctly.

May is so fucking good to me. Saying, ``I don’t deserve her.'' does a disservice to both of us, I think, but it is very much a situation that makes me feel like I’ve lucked out or that this happened through happenstance and not through work of my own. She messaged me first, our dates went smoothly, and now here we are. What could I have done differently? I don’t know. I don’t want to know, because I’m so fucking happy right now.

It’s weird to be happy all the time. I don’t feel the crushing weight of time or of my mistakes or of the future bearing down on me like a piece of homework I’m avoiding. I honestly feel light and free to make smart, reasoned choices for me and my future. It’s fucking weird to be at this point right now.

I still don’t have many things in line: I eat out 2-4 times a day, I don’t wash my clothes or bathe myself enough, I don’t keep up with my bills and might lose my health insurance, I struggle to keep up with Ben and Jason the way I want to… And yet.

And yet here I am, seeing Ben and Jason as much as is possible given who we all are, making my bills when they appear, paying car insurance and getting to work on time, working out again, speaking of marriage and love and the future with a surety I haven’t felt in a long time.

May is so fucking wonderful. She’s kind, she’s calm and compassionate, she gives me space to be myself and makes space for herself without invalidating either of us. When we speak, she listens to me. She doesn’t shut down or shut me down, she doesn’t dismiss or disregard. She considers what I say, and puts in work to meet me when I’m ambiguous or not delicate enough. When I think about our relationship, I don’t think about fights we’ve had or tense situations I worked to feel good through, I think about her sharing personal moments with me, making sure I felt good and allowing me to check in on her in the self-same fashion.

I’m sitting here in 1215 about to cry. I could say I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but I have a pretty good idea: kindness, personal growth, a willingness to hear the other person out, and a willingness to walk away after having exhausted all other avenues.

I’m ready to get married, I’m ready to build a life together with this woman. I’m ready i’m ready i’m ready i’m ready.

i hope she marries me.

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